


Internalized transphobia and realizations

by Alliethesimp



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Agender Character, Canon Trans Character, Gen, Genderfluid Kurapika (Hunter X Hunter), Headcanon, M/M, Married Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Trans Alluka Zoldyck, kalluto Zoldyck - Freeform, trans kalluto zoldyck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29053884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alliethesimp/pseuds/Alliethesimp
Summary: Illumi discovering they are agender and that gender even exists.In this au, everything is the same but Illumi and Kalluto are not in the spiders for plot convenience.Sorry for any bad spelling or grammar, I'm dyslexic
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	1. Coming out and thought

Illumi's POV

Illumi watched Hisoka sigh deeply. He'd been listening to Illumi rant about Killua not loving him which turned into a rant about how much he hated Alluka.

"-He's a girl, he's a girl, BITCH NO HE'S NOT-" Illumi yelled. Hisoka finally snapped and yelled back with,

"WHAT MAKES ALLUKA A BOY THEN?!" Illumi stood there in shock, Hisoka said nothing more as he allowed Illumi's mind to wander.

What makes someone a boy or a girl? How am I supposed to know? Gender is just a..a...a....Social construct or something. 

Illumi sat down in deep thought while Hisoka laid down on their bed. They'd shared an apartment since they got married and kept it secret from the other zoldycks, including Illumi's siblings but they were sure Kalluto had caught on by now. Just as Hisoka had begun to drift off, the doorbell rang.

"That's Kalluto, He wants to talk to me about something." Illumi said, swiftly, he stood and left the room.

Illumi opened the door to see Kalluto who he hadn't seen in a year or so and he had changed quite a bit. He's hair was sitting on his shoulders now and he had some natural makeup on. Kalluto looked surprisingly nervous, Illumi stepped aside letting him in. He sat on the couch while not making eye contact once. Illumi felt a pang of worry pull at his heart, he loved all his siblings even if he was bad at showing it and seeing Kalluto in so much pain hurt him.

"What's wrong Kalluto?" Illumi asked, sitting next to him. He shook a little as he whispered something Illumi couldn't hear. Illumi was genuinely very concerned, Kalluto never acted like this, after a minute or so, he spun to face Illumi with tears streaming down his face.

"I'M TRANS LIKE ALLUKA! I'M A GIRL! I KNOW YOU HATE HER FOR BEING TRANS AND I'M TERRIFIED YOU WILL HATE ME BUT YOU ARE THE PERSON WHO CARE FOR ME THE MOST AND I CAN'T KEEP LYING TO MYSELF OR YOU! PLEASE.......Please....please...don't hate me...." Kalluto blurted out, waving her hands everywhere.

Illumi was shocked, why would Kalluto ever think that he would or even could hate her. Illumi was taken aback by himself. He called Kalluto a girl, he said he didn't hate her for being trans, what was going on in his head. Illumi shook his head, he could think about that later, right now, there is a small girl sobbing her eyes out thinking he hates her.

Illumi took her in his arms and gave her a rare hug. She stopped crying but still shook like a small child.

“I don’t hate you, I never could.” Illumi said, wiping Kalluto’s tears. Kalluto smiled and gave Illumi a big hug.

“Why do you misgender Alluka then?” Kalluto asked after they finished having a sentimental moment.

Illumi thought about his answer. “I don’t hate Alluka for being trans, I hate him-I mean her- because….” 

But no words came out.

He just realised why.

7 year old Illumi crept over to his parents who were discussing how they were going to start training Milluki who was 3 and around the normal age to begin training. He stayed silent and listened to them talk.

“We can start by having him kill the thing that lives somewhere in the Republic of Padokea.” Kikyo suggested.

“What thing?” Silva replied, confused.

“That boy that thinks he’s a girl.” Kikyo elaborated.

“Yes, those creatures are a danger to our society.” Silva agreed.

Little Illumi felt his heart fill with an indescribable anger at hearing that.

And after that Illumi rarely heard of those “creatures” until Alluka was about 8. Then that was all he heard, that and why she was a danger to the family but by then, he didn’t feel anything anymore and had forgotten about that anger he felt all those years ago.

Illumi’s need to be perfect and train Killua perfectly resulted in him picking up this way of thinking. He smiled to Kalluto for the first time and said,

“I was...misinformed. Could you explain to me more about yourself.” Illumi asked. He was confused and wanted true information.

Kalluto explained everything. she explained socially and medically transitioning and how not all trans people medically transition. She explained puberty blockers and Illumi was engrossed. He never knew all these things. Once Kalluto was done, he said he wanted to sleep on all this new knowledge and said Kalluto goodbye.

Illumi flopped next to hisoka who was scrolling through his phone. He turned to look at Illumi expectantly. Illumi sighed.

“Kalluto is a trans girl.” 

“So, do you hate her?” Hisoka asked, obviously referencing the rant from earlier. Illumi said exactly what he had been thinking since Kalluto’s coming out.

“I didn’t hate Alluka for being trans, the transphobia (Kalluto explained it earlier) was my parents influencing me. I hate her because of what my parents said and I-” He trailed off. Hisoka put down his phone and cuddled Illumi. Illumi buried his head in hisoka’s chest and felt himself go warm and fuzzy inside.

“You can take your time.” Hisoka said comfortingly.

“I’ve never understood gender. I said I didn’t understand how she could be a girl but I also didn’t understand how she could be a boy.” Illumi finished. Hisoka hummed in acknowledgment.

“I’m going to be stalking Killua tomorrow, what about you?” Illumi asked. 

“I have a ripe fruit I want to fight, not gon, someone else.” Hisoka mumerred thoughtfully.

“Do NOT get turned on this time.” Illumi threatened.

“Someone jealous~” Hisoka flirted.

“Oh shut up.” Illumi said, taking his pillow and pushing it on hisoka’s head leaving them both laughing. It was strange but nice to Illumi that around hisoka, he wasn’t afraid to be himself and show the emotions he suppressed at all times.

It was noon and Illumi was sitting in a tree listening to the rather boring conversion Alluka and Kurapika were having while Gon and Killua were chased around by leorio. He felt himself spacing out when Kurapika said something that caught his attention.

“I’m technically trans because I’m genderfluid so I can teach you some girly things like makeup and things like that.”

“Really! Thank you Mr Kurapika!” Alluka said, running over and hugging Kurapika. He laughed and hugged her back.

“Will you tell me what pronouns you use?” Alluka asked.

“He/they.” Alluka pondered at this answer.

“Do you want any surgeries?”

“I’m biologically female so I would like to get top surgery at some point.” Kurapika replied. Alluka smiled then asked.

“Will you teach me how to do makeup?” Alluka asked excitedly. Kurapika reached into their bag and pulled out some lip balm, eyeliner and eyeshadow.

“Of course I’ll teach you but for now, I have these on me, do you want me to do it for you now?” Kurapika asked.

“YES YES YES!” Alluka yelled in excitement. She sat down and allowed Kuarpika to do Alluka’s makeup. Illumi watch in curiosity, what is genderfluid?

Illumi continued to watch them and once Alluka was done she asked.

“Can you give me a hug?” Illumi suddenly realized what was happening. That was the 3rd request she made. She was going to unknowingly let him make a wish. Kurapika agreed and hugged her and then her face turned into Nanika’s. Kurapika was shocked and was about to call for Killua when Nanika said,

“Alluka has a wish she wants you to ask for yourself, It's something about surgery.” 

“No,I don’t want to use you and it will up the request price, I wish for you to give me a chocolate.” Kurapika said. 

Nanika gave him a chocolate then Nanika turned back to Alluka, she looked disappointed.

“Why did you not wish for top surgery? Top surgery is expensive.”

“I know, I told Nanika-” kurapika began but by then I was bored so zoned out with plans of asking what “genderfluid” is.


	2. Surprise Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia, slurs
> 
> I don't have much to say but I am genderfluid and pansexual so I can use the slurs (Tranny and fag) which I use at the end.
> 
> Have a good day/night and remember to drink water :)

Kurapika's POV

Kurapika was walking to a nearby village to get some alcohol for him and Leorio to share while Killua, Gon and Alluka were asleep. They were with Leorio at the moment so he was alone which he wasn't too pleased about considering his work.

The further they walked, the more anxious he got. He couldn’t sense anyone’s presence but still, they felt eyes bearing into his skull as he walked. Finally, he said,

“Who’s there! Come out and face me!” Hoping it was just his imagination. Unfortunately for them, It was not as he saw a tall figure walking toward him, Only once they were directly in front of him did he realize who it was.

“Illumi! Why are you following me!?! I’m not giving you Killua or Alluka’s location if that’s what you’re hoping for!” Kurapika said, taking a defensive stance. Illumi sighed, merely bored, before saying.

“I’m not here for them, I’m here for you.”

Kurapika jumped back and raised his chained hand, ready to defend himself. Illumi sighed more heavily this time.

“Not like that, I want to ask you a question about something you mentioned earlier.”

“So that’s why I felt like someone was watching us earlier.” Kurapika said, annoyed. He lowered his hand but did not come any closer.

“What is ‘Genderfluid’?”

Kurapika stood stunned. He waited for Illumi to say he was joking but he didn’t.

“Are...you...being serious?” Kurapika asked.

“Of course, I’m curious.” Illumi said tilting his head.

Kurapika was so confused. Why would Illumi ask him something so weird.

“It’s a gender identity where someone identifies as someone whose gender changes over time. Now can you leave me alone?”

Illumi looked the closest Kurapika had even seen him to surprised.

“There are other gender identities apart from cis and trans?” Illumi asked. Kurapika nodded, earning a thoughtful look from Illumi.

“Lets say, You’ve never understood gender and you can’t understand what makes you male or female, what would that make you?” Illumi asked.

Kurapika was visibly annoyed. 

“The closest thing would be agender, Where you have no gender. Look it up if you want more information, now leave me alone. I have things to buy before heading back.”

“This?” Illumi said lifting up a bottle of alcohol Leorio had asked for. “I was listening to your conversion and I knew I’d waste your time so take it. The lid is sealed and Killua would be able to tell if there are any poisons so don’t worry about that.”

With that, Illumi disappeared. Kurapika was stunned but when releasing how late it was getting, decided to risk it and get back to the hotel they were staying at. Killua and Gon were in a seperate room to Kurapika and Leorio whose room was surprising clean and slightly small with a king bed in the middle of the room.

“Hey Sunshine, Did you get it?” Leorio asked from the couch as Kurapika got back.

“Yeah but I want Killua to poison test it.”

Leorio laughed.“ No shopkeeper is going to poison you, besides, you shouldn’t take advantage of Killua’s abilities.”

“No but considering Illumi bought it, I want to check.”

Leorio choked on air.

“EXCUSE ME, WHO?!?”

“You heard me. He stopped to ask me a weird question then said he knew he’d waste my time and gave me this. He’s been following us since lunch.” Kurapika explained.

“What question?” Leorio asked cautiously.

“He wanted to know what genderfluid and agender are.” Kurapika sighed. He opened the bottle and poured a glass for himself. “I don’t care if this is poisoned.”

He took a sip.

It didn’t taste weird.

It didn’t smell weird.

“I think it’s fine.” Kurapika said pouring Leorio’s glass

Illumi’s POV

It was 3 in the morning when Illumi finally finished a couple of assassination his parents had asked him and Kalluto to do. Now, they were both eating at a 24 hour diner. It had been a while since Illumi had eaten fast food and he was pleasantly surprised by the taste.

“Hey sis, what do you know about people who are agender?” Illumi asked, breaking up the tired silence.

“Well, they are people who have no gender as gender is a social construct. The flag is black, gray, white green, white, gray, black. Now that I think about it, that’s your colour scheme.” Kalluto laughed. Illumi reflected on the idea. Could I be… no that's impossible. 

“Are you ok big brother?” Kalluto asked, concerned at her brother's odd behavior.

“I think...I’m agender.” Illumi mused, the words spilling from his lips before he could stop them. He then gasped, slapping a hand over his mouth. Kalluto giggled again.

“I’m not surprised, I’m surprised you actually realized it though.”

“It took me 3 years to realized that having sex with a Hisoka was gay.” Illumi admitted shamefully. Kalluto covered her mouth in an attempt to not laugh, failing miserably.

“I’m not even surprised.” She choked.

“Oh shut it you, prat” Illumi said, throwing a balled up napkin at her.

“I’m being assaulted.” Kalluto cried out before getting up and running out as they’d both finished eating. Illumi quickly followed, arms outstretched in an attempt to catch his little sister. Kalluto ran around, she ran to the edge of the city they were in. Illumi quickly caught up and began tickling Kalluto who tried and failed to escape his grasp. Eventually, a victorious Illumi let her go.

“That was mean, big brother! Would you prefer big sib?” Kalluto questioned. Illumi thought for a moment as he accepted that he really was agender.

“Yeah, big sib. People who are non-binary use they/them right? Can you use he/they? Is that a thing?” Illumi asked, answered by Kalluto’s frantic nods.

“Yep! Ok big sib!” Kalluto practically glowed as she threw herself into Illumi’s arms. Illumi froze at the sudden contact but quickly smiled happily and wrapped his arms around Kalluto and picked her up like he’d seen Killua pick up Alluka. Kalluto clung to Illumi’s neck and let herself drift off a little. Illumi may be cold to everyone else and he did believe that friends made an assassin’s job harder but he loved his sister so much that he was so different with her than with others.

“I love you little sister.” Illumi said, kissing her forehead. He was blissfully unaware of the rustle in the bushes.

Silva’s pov

Illumi Zoldyck, where to begin? He was an amazing assassin who got the job done with no problem. He would not compare to who Killua will become but for now, he is enough.

Or that’s what Silva thought until he noticed his previously purley work relationship with the clown,hisoka, unfold into something else, love. Not only was this putting a bad reputation on the zoldycks, he was making his little brother, Kalluto go soft like him. This had to be stopped.

“Master Silva, may I come in?” Silva heard Tsubone say from outside the living room he mused in.

“You may.” Silva commanded. Tsubone walked in and bowed.

“I have been keeping an eye on Master Illumi like you ask and I’ve discovered that he’s gone very soft, even kissing Kalluto on the forehead, hugging him and picking him up. He also thinks he’s “agender” and is using he/they while Kalluto thinks he is a girl.” Tsubone informed Silva. Silva was angry to put it lightly but kept his straight face.

“Thank you, you can stop now. You are dismissed.” Silva commanded harsher than he normally would.

Once Tsubone left, Zeno spoke from another entrance.

“This isn’t affecting you or their skills, just let them do their own thing.” Zeno sighed at his son. Silva wasn’t having it.

“I WILL NOT HAVE MY SONS TURNING INTO TRANNIES! IT’S BAD ENOUGH ILLUMI IS A FAG! THEY WILL BE TAKEN BACK HERE AND PUNISHED UNTIL THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD!” Silva shouted before walking out. Zeno shrugged and left, he didn’t care.


	3. Trans people need allies to keep them safe

Hisoka’s POV

It was the morning after Illumi and Kalluto went out on a job and didn’t come back. Hisoka hadn’t been worried as sometimes jobs take time until he received a letter from Canary, a zoldyck servant, who seemed to care about the zoldyck siblings more than her job. The letter read as such.

Dear Mr Hisoka

I have heard you and Illumi are dating so I hope you can help. Illumi and Kalluto have been taken back and they are going back to be “punished” for being trans, illumi being gay and both for going soft. I can’t put into words the severity of what’s being done to them, even Illumi can’t take the punishments. I need you to help them! I beg of you!

Kind regards

Canary, a zoldyck servant.

Hisoka was filled with an emotion he had never felt before. It was an intense mix of worry and anger. He knew he couldn’t do this alone, he’d previously tried to sneak into the manor and fail miserably so he went to a group he could only beg would help him.

~~~~~~~~

Kurapika pov

Pounding headache and kurapika’s inability to walk from last night’s sex aside, kurapika and Leorio weren’t affected by last night's drinking, making them decide to bring up Illumi to Killua and Gon. 

“Why would Illumi come up to you?” Gon thought aloud.

Killua silently fumed while kurapika shrugged.

“If it wasn’t Illumi, I wouldn’t even think he had bad intentions.” Kurapika informed “I’m starting to believe there was no ulterior motive.”

“HE HAD LITERALLY BEEN STALKING US SINCE LUNCH AT LATEST!” Killua yelled, standing up from the bench they were sitting at.

“I’ve got to agree with Killua.” Leorio admitted.

Kurapika sighed. He checked that Alluka was ok running around on her own before continuing.

“I get that but it doesn’t seem like what his intentions were when he came up to me.” Kurapika tried to explain.

“I can confirm.” Hisoka’s voice said from behind them.

Kurapika jumped up, Leorio spun around, Gon stepped back and Killua raised an arm in front of Gon, protectively.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!” Killua yelled at Hisoka who lent up against a tree.

“I’m not here to attack you, I can’t believe I’m saying this but, I need your help with something.” Hisoka said, frustrated.

“And why would we do that?” Leorio scoffed.

Hisoka looked at their frustrated and disguised faces. Hisoka thought about how he needed to phrase this. He noticed Alluka and an idea popped into his mind.

“ALLUKA! COULD YOU PLEASE COME OVER HERE?” Hisoka called, making Killua begin reeking bloodlust. The oblivious Alluka ran over.

“Hello?” Alluka said cautiously.

“What do you want with my sister.” Killua hissed.

“Alluka is a trans girl right?” Hisoka asked, earning a strange look from everyone.

“Yes?” Gon asked, confused.

“Well, if you found out that Kalluto came out as trans and her parents found out and she and Illumi who has “gone soft” were taken back to their “home” and they are going through punishments that even Illumi can’t handle because of it, would you be willing to help them?” Hisoka asked casually.

Killua blinked before saying.

“What is your proof?” 

Hisoka pulled out the letter from Canary and handed it over to Killua and Alluka who read it aloud. Alluka looked awfully worried and Killua scoffed.

“We need to help them! Please big brother!” Alluka said, tugging at her older brother’s sleeve. Killua bit his lip.

“Well, this is her hand writing...”

Leorio looked at Kurapika who looked slightly smug.

“Looks like I was right.” Kurapika said.

“What were you right about?” Gon asked, steaming at the ears.

“He means that Illumi’s intent wasn't bad.” Leorio explained.

“He had been trying to change quite a lot.” Hisoka elaborated “Are you willing to help them?” 

Alluka and Kurapika were already convinced while the other 3 seemed doubtful.

“Meet us here at 7 in the evening, tonight, for our answer.” Killua decided before dragging Alluka and Gon by the sleeves who were quickly followed by Leorio and Kurapika.

Hisoka sighed, that was the best he could do.


End file.
